15th December,2010...a year today.

Here we are today...a year since the much loved Pink Panther left us. Its been a year and we are still mourning for you dear...there are times that memories floods in and so do the tears...

The girls are doing great...stronger than me actually...I am very proud of them...Charraine is already starting to apply her "legal skills" with me now and then and your Banoon girl just turned 16 of aged last week and it was the most saddest affair for me...the month of december is no longer a beautiful month for us...where we used to plan for our year end holidays,setting up the xmas tree and the surprised presents and your endless happy hours...its our 1st Christmas without you...we love you and missed you so much. We pray God will grant you eternal rest and let perpetual light shine upon you and may you rest in peace....

A Breakthrough.....

Triumph....

So today is history? May be...just may be...get up and move on Judy...that's the message for me. It will not mean that I am going to forget of your passing Pink Panther but it is because of what you meant to me that I am moving on and doing something close to my heart. I am so glad to have people who meant nothing to me in the past but at this very moment I give my praises and thanks to GOD for sending them to me. I pray that YOU O LORD bless them ever more today and everyday. It was a moment of truth,revelation and an awakening point for me. Lord...I pray for your continuous guidance and for your light to shine upon me as I take this particular path. Amen.

Saying our final goodbyes to Brother Dennis Jau...

Our dearest brother Dennis Jau was called home by our Lord on the 18th September, 2010 after fighting and wrestling with colon cancer...another attacked of cancer among us. He left behind 5 children and a very loving & patient wife...our sister Lucy.

I knew him when we were in KTDTHB, Miri....such a humble,quiet and jovial person.

We met up again in Bintulu...we were reunited when we join the english cell group.

The last fellowship that we had was at our sister Dorothy & Alex Ali's house sometime in June...to celebrate Gawai and also Father's day....

From the photos we can see how healthy and fit he was at that time...

We can only planned but God's hand is on the mighty button which will determined when our time on earth will expire...

Are we ready when that time comes?

One thing I know for sure...our brother Dennis was ready.

Lord,

Our creator and to whom we all have to go home to...

My mind gets so silly at times...when YOU called us home

One by one...

Watching our loved ones and friends left this cruel and temporary place

Its just like...

Me asking...

When will it be my time to go Lord?

Can I come now please?

Please...lead the way for me....

Then the answer...

Not yet...

There's still so much to do...

That's for each and one of us I believe...

Work for him...his plans...his will

Then...

May be...just may be

our Time will come sooner...

For the time being...lets continue to praise God and serve him..

Lord,

May you take and lead our Brother Dennis home

To that kingdom of yours and the promised of life eternal

Grant O Lord

Eternal rest upon him

Let your perpetual light shine upon him

And may he rest in Peace.

Amen.

Enrique Iglesias- Hero (with lyrics)

" Till death do us part ...."

Last night I was sharing with my daughter about the loss of our dearest beloved Pink Panther...telling her how I always imagined that he is always with me..he is my imaginary companion now Charen. His belongings and photos that I kept on purpose so that I will see and feel his presence everywhere...I need all that to strengthened me so that I will not feel so ALONE and abandoned...

Anyway the message that I want to share on this blog is what my daughter said...so there is no "till death do us part kan mummy". Nya...nama utai munyi nya?

Indeed I agree with you Charen. For mummy and daddy there is definitely a big "NO" to "till death do us part"...it some how has lead mummy grew closer to Pink Panther daily and it always refreshed my mind about the good old days...

Dear Lord...today and everyday I will continue to lift up the soul of Simon Sudin for his daily cleansing and purifications and that LORD will grant him eternal rest and his soul rest in peace.

Amen.

August....2010

Its been a long time...since I last share my thoughts here...June 24th....and now its August...2010 so unbelievable.

Last year around this time is where our journey began where it ends in such a tragic manner. Pink Panther...not a day goes by me that I am not thinking of you. The memories still remains within me. You are every where...at times I can feel your presence near me and thats when the "niagara fall" is at work...luv and miss you so much...

Christ & Me Walks...

Oh Lord Grant me the graces today to being able to bring myself to walk with You...teach us to accept our sufferings,failures,weaknesses and defeats in order to be open to the power of God which brings healing and strength....

Father
I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures.
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Charles de Foucauld

Without You...

Its all a mixed up feelings...being home and away from home. At times it feels so good to being able to enjoy all the familiar surroundings but when knowing that you are not there...makes a real difference...Dadi...yesterday,today and tomorrow will never be the same WITHOUT YOU...every corners at home and things will bring tears...to reach out to you is just plain "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE"...

God, Abba Father I just want to thank you for giving Simon to me...

He is a great gift to me...

To the beautiful daughters that he adores and loves so much

He has taught me lots of life's issues and now all those memories will be the invisible hands that will guide me in the days to come...

Mami luvs you Pink Panther....God bless and May your soul rest in peace...

Without You...

Hello there my Big Ugly Man...Happy Birthday to you...supposed to be your 53rd birthday. I bet you are ready with your happy hour plans by now...sad though for us here...your eldest chuchamungga is in Melaka and its just me plus the noisy chuchamungga are around...missing the morning music,your off tune singing plus the smoke from your so-called natural cigar and the golf channel at its highest volume...are you doing all these in heaven now dadi?

What ever it is...I pray that God Grant you peace and eternal rest and God's perpetual light shine upon your soul and may you rest in peace...so prayers are all that i have for you today...no surprises,no sizzling very rare sirloin steak,grill salmon or lamb chops plus your endless glasses of red wine till it makes you tipsy and noisy...

We love and miss you so much dear....hugs and kissess from Yen,Yon and mami...

WITHOUT YOU...

My dearest Pink Panther...kisses and bear hugs for you from me today....
I try not to remember that particular date...26th May....but as I sign on to my facebook I cannot help noticing that corner...our wedding anniversary and I am reminded painfully of it...supposed to be its 20th and we were planning to have our marriage vows renewed this year...with the blessings and all that... all over again...again God has the final decision making in our life...we planned and he decides...remember how you want to take me dancing again once you can walk and get off from that wheel chair?
I can only say prayers for you now...that is all that I can offer on this date and I will try to minus out the tears too...till i see you again...loving and missing you...happy anniversary to you...

Without You

There...say goodbye to April and hello May...how times goes by us

Hey Pink Panther..how are you doing over there? In that paradise...filled with beautiful looking angels with rosy cheeks. I have purposely refrain myself from blogging about you for a month and I made it...but its so sickening and heart breaking...and tears still trickles...I just wished that you can come and visit sometimes.....miss you so much...may the angels and saints watch over you there...

WITHOUT YOU...

Dear Dadi

I am not going to count the days anymore...the days that you left us...this will be the last I guess...its 105 days since you been gone. Its not doing me any good but that does not mean that i love and miss you less...it is far from that. I just refuse to think of it how long you have been missing from my life. It can really brings me down...the wounds will re-opened and I will have to start from day 1 again.

I finally come to an end...reading that book..Left to Tell... and the final chapters reveal to me of God's healing...Dear Lord I now surrender to you Simon's soul...that YOU will hold him close to YOU and that you will watch over his soul in Heaven. I pray too that my tears will dry up and my pain eased and that I will no longer agonized over my loss...that I will placed you dearest in the hands of our Dear Lord and that you are forever beside the Almighty One in HEAVEN.

Grant O Dear Lord eternal rest upon the soul of Simon Sudin and let your perpetual light shine upon him and may his soul rest in peace....Amen

Charraine Cecelia Garuda

Dadi...Once again this strong-willed girl of ours managed to achieve the best that she could despite the "tsunami" that evolves around her and us. You must be saying now..."I told you so..." and I am sure that you are also proud of her. Now we can tell her to go and chase that rainbow of hers...that nothing will and can stand in her journey of success because what she has been thru is more than enough to proof that she can do it...if you believe you can...YOU CAN...your favourite remarks...To Charraine...mami just want to say congratulations and luvs and muahmuahhh you...

WITHOUT YOU

Looking so de Mafia...during one of his feeling good days

Hello Dadi...yesterday evening the urge to drive to Nilai was so strong and BB Yon and myself went with the intention to get some materials there but I strongly believed that it was for a different reason. I have been here for a month plus but yet I have not driven myself to Nilai despite the fact that I have conquered all areas with the aid of my sincere Mr GPS...never ever leave home without it!!!! Upon reaching Nilai and driving along all those so familiar roads and landmarks my heart was beating at a rapid pace and when it comes to NCI direction my tears were beyond control...so I detour the roundabout and make a come back to Nilai Square.

Dadi
I thought I was ready for it but the pain is still so raw. I just cannot bring myself to be where we spent the last few months together...
I know you will ask me in such a way..."Hey...why all these tears....stupid...". What do I care... if I am indeed being stupid and silly? Its for the love of you....Ciao Pink Panther...

WITHOUT YOU

Dear Dadi

February is gone and March comes marching in and its been a month now since I made that big move to come and live in this KL city. I know its what you want and desire before you leave us on that day. If only God can warn us of your leaving...may be I can bring you to all those places that you want so much to see and visits...my heart aches so much because I failed you.

WITHOUT YOU

Stacey, aged 42, Minnesota....shares from the book "What the Bible says about Grieving"...I sat numbly at my husband's graveside and wished for the pain to go away. I wanted so badly to share the heartache with my best friend. But that friend now lay lifeless, unable to listen or respond to the pain his death had caused me. He had left this life without a final goodbye, and I just wasn't ready to part ways. I had much more to tell him, and we had much more life to share. In the days to come, it meant so much to have other people around. And while they couldn't take away the pain, it was nice to have people nearby even if they were only able to listen,hug, and cry along with me...

This all sounds too familiar and it reflects me all the way...not only that I cannot reached out to you dearest Pink Panther...I can't see,touch,hear and smell you....all that is taken prematurely away from me. As I reflect on our meeting it is really God's plan...I met you in the early 1980's when I left for my further studies and you were already working in Bintulu and when I came back home you are still in Bintulu...the most available bachelor around they said...but I was not interested in the package that I saw...but hopelessly and helplessly I could not run far...it ended with the "I do..I do" ceremony at Saint Anthony Church Bintulu. I always shared this with the girls and reminded them to go and explore...not to be complacent and most of all not to be tied down because I believe that God has made and created plans for us way beyond our knowledge and that includes our life time partners...no matter what and where we go...if that chosen person's name is already written in HIS little book...we will meet up again. That's what happen to us Pink Panther...and I comforted myself in believing that you have to go soon because I know you will be there when its my time to come home...ciao...

WITHOUT YOU

Its Ash Wednesday, meaning its Lenten season. It seems so soon...with Saint Valentine's day and the spirit of CNY which is still hovering in the air. ...Dadi...Valentine day just passed me by...quietly without you. But then as you loved to answer me whenever I wished you..."not everyday a valentine day kah...". The memories of last valentine's lingers on...there is just no way to reach out to you now. There's never a moment or a day that passes me by that is not filled with the lovely thoughts of you. May be I should pray to God for signs to let me know that you are near me when I need you most to console and comfort me in my times of misery. You are so free from all this pain,heartaches and sufferings. How I envy you so much for being taken away from all this because to me God favours you so much...

Ponggal Celebration At The Church Of Divine Mercy, Shah Alam

We shared the joy of our fellow tamil brothers & sisters in Christ last sunday, the richness of thier culture...Ponggal Feast which was celebrated in the Church of Divine Mercy last Sunday, the Mass was in Tamil ...a mass of thanksgivings and appreciations of their harvests. This was our 2nd mass experience there...such a beautiful church.
I have always wanted to visit this church and I give my thanks to God for bringing and directing me here...1st of all...we found a condominium in USJ Subang which is not too far away from Sapura Smart School and the church is just 15 minutes away....Thank you Lord.
So do I want to move away from this next year...it remains to be seen...Lord continue to show and direct me...Amen.

My BibleWalk...

My encounter with our LORD's living words...

On the 2nd February, 2010

Psalm 27
Verse 1

The Lord is my light and my salvation
So why should I be afraid?
The Lord protects me from danger
So why should I tremble?

Verse 5

For HE will conceal me there when troubles come
HE will hide me in his sanctuary.
HE will place me out of reach on a high rock.

On 4th February, 2010

Verse 11

Teach me how to live, O Lord
Lead me along the path of honesty
for my enemies are waiting for me to fall

Verse 13

Yet I am confident that I will see the Lord's goodness
while I am here in the land of the living

Verse 14

Wait patiently for the Lord
Be brave and courageous
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord..

Praise be Jesus's name...Amen

Surat Penudi Nuju Nuan...

..

The original piece of this "Last letter to Dadi" was written in English by me and the Iban version was translated by NagaMit @ Aunty Doris and Indai Dom...thank you so much for being crazy and sentimental together with me. Nagamit read it beautifully...nyabak nuan sulu...minta ampun...nyau enda bajik mua nya neh...maya malam penudi bala kami ngintu niang 18th December, 2009.
Minta ampun nyema tusun jaku engau leka iya enda betul...
Tu munyi iya...

Sulu ti ku sayau,
Pink Panther aku
Nyau baka ribut nuan datai nanya aku suba
Tang maya nuan pegi ninggal ke aku, enda berasai...
baka angin lemai ari
Nuan madah anang nyabak
Di saut aku..auk meh sulu
Taja pia...aku dah ngasa ke ati nuan
Ukai di enda nemu
Nadai pengelantang enggau penyamai beserara enggau pangan diri...
Lebih agi enggau orang ti di kesayau...

Sulu ...
Maya aki ninggal ke kitai suba, nuan meh pengering aku
Tang sapa meh nyadi pengering aku diatu, lebuh nuan ngejang ninggal ke aku enggau bala anak

Nuan ngajar aku jalai ngidup kediri, diau dalam pengerindu nitih ke gaya diri empu, mesti kering serta nemu
ngatur pendiau diri lalu nemu mela bala anak tua
Nuan selalu ngajar enggau ngelalau aku dalam semua utai
Lalu aku deka ngenggam jaku nuan nya sampai aku mati

Sulu tiap kali ku meda mata ari padam iya deka ngingat ke aku ke nuan
Ingat aku Sulu...maya nuan ngasuh aku madah ke pengerindu aku ka nuan maya tua berubat ba Normah Hospital, Kuching
Ko nuan...aku ka ninga nuan nyebut nuan sayau ke aku

Tu meh iya...semampai rindu ke nuan
Nya meh pengidup aku, bekejang ari diatu sampai aku betemu enggau nuan baru ila..

Aku deka nampung pengawa nuan
Ti selalu nulung orang ti seranta
Aku deka ngiring bala anak tua
Nitih ke niat enggau juluk ati nuan
Aku seruran deka nitih ke semua jaku, pengawa,penemu nuan dalam pengidup
Nya meh sulu..
Pink Panther aku
Belabuh ari diatu
Tua deka diau dalam dunia,jam enggau adan ti enda sebaka, enda begulai
Tang pengerindu aku tetap meruan baka mula tua ke baru nanggam pengerindu suba
Aku besemaia deka mela anak tua sulu enggau pengabis ati ku, awak ke sidak iya semampai kering,mujur baka pengidup nuan empu...

Sulu
Enda ku nemu nusun ke leka jaku sebana ati aku...
Tang nuan ngelala aku, nemu sapa aku...nyangka nya kebuah nuan ninggal ke aku dulu enggau semua utai tu
Ingat nuan sulu lebuh tua ke betundi enggau panggan diri...sapa entara tua ti tau dulu pegi...
Aku selalu madah ka juluk ati ngagai Allah Taala ngambi aku dulu pegi ari nuan
Laban aku nemu aku enda ulih nerima semua tu, nyema aku dudi ari nuan
Tang nuan selalu ngelaban jaku aku...
Nuan madah aku tetap ulih...
Auk meh sulu...
Munyi ko jaku nuan nya meh
Tetap kering enggau besemangat ketegal anak tua ke di tinggal nuan pegi

Aku meri terima kasih ke nuan ti udah ngiring,nyukung serta meransang aku dalam semua utai
Dalam pengidup tua ti dah begulai enggau pangan diri, pengawa aku ngelama tu
Nuan meri aku penemu,ngelalau aku ngambi ke semua utai tau mujur
Nuan selalu muji pengawa aku
Nuan seruran mesan aku ngerja semua pengawa engau pengerindu serta enggau pengabis ati..

Tang diatu nama meh penyadi aku diatu
Nuan nadai agi begulai sejalai enggau aku
Pengasai aku diatu nyau baka layang-layang putus tali
Nyau nadai penuju

Sulu enggau tu pemeri aku ke nuan semina nyaup nuan pulai
Nuju jalai ti meruan
Pulai asuh Allah Taala enggau penuh pengerindu nuju Ia
Terima kasih ke penyerah nuan
Terima kasih ke nuan ti ngemendar ke Tuhan Jesus merintah dalam ati nuan
Terima kasih ke nuan ti udah nyerah ke diri ngagai Indai Maria
Terima kasih ke nuan laban nuan udah ngemaruh ke diri lala semampai sayau nyentuk nuan mejam ke mata
Terima kasih ke nuan ti ngasi ke jaku Allah Taala lalu nerima peneka iya
Ketegal tu, nuan nyadi ke tugu dalam pengarap aku
Terima kasih ke lima bulan ti udah lalu ti penuh enggau pengerindu enggau pengingat ti cukup menyana
Aku nadai ngasai ke pemerinsa sereta pemedis maia ngintu enggau ngibun nuan
Aku semina ngasai ke diri likun lalu di intu enggau mentas...semua tu ari kuasa Allah Taala.
Nya meh ke tanda enggau pengerindu IYA ke kitai...
Terima kasih ke kaban blayan ke udah di beri sereta di anjung nuan, sidak tu meh malaikat nuan
Malaikat nuan ti deka ngintu serta ngemata ka kami menyanak
Terima kasih ke Hari Valentine ti penudi iya sereta pemeri nuan
Nuan udah mayuh kiruh enggau pengambis ati ngerami pengawa nya begulai enggau kaban bukai

Pengerindu aku tetap meruan belama
Baka nuan ti udah sayau ke aku sekumbang tua ke begulai
Nganti meh penatai aku ila sulu
Aku besampi nuan nyedia ke endur ke kitai menyanak di menua syurga
Lalu ngemata ke kami
Tu meh nyadi pengering kami

Bye Dadi,
Sulu Ati Aku,
Pink Panther Aku
Tu ukai pemarai ti nyerara tua sulu
Semina awak ti udah cukup nuan pulai dulu
Lalu ukai penembu pengawa
Kami seruran lelengau ke nuan dalam semua pengawa
Nuan meh mata ari tumbuh
Nuan meh mata ari padam dalam pengidup aku kenyau ari diatu
Sampai seput aku padam ila

Love you
Judy

Heart to Heart

As I drove BB Yon to School this morning...

Mami: Are you happy Yon?
Yon: Yes.
Mami: Do you like your school?
Yon: Yes.
Mami: Do you like being here?
Yon: Yes.

Now...the bonus question...

Mami: Will you still be happy if mami is not happy being here?
Yon: No mami... but you will get use to the place.

Tear drops time....and conversation ends here...period.

My Inspiration for today - Prayer for Peace (Pope John Paul II)

To the creator of nature and human persons, of truth and beauty I pray:

Hear my voice,
For it is the voice of the victims of all wars and violence among individuals and nations;

Hear my voice,
For it is the voice of all children who suffer and will suffer when people put their faith in weapons and war;

Hear my voice,
When I beg you to instill into the hearts of all human beings the wisdom of peace, the strength of justice and the joy of fellowship;

Hear my voice,
And grant insight and strength so that we may always respond to hatred with love, to injustice with total dedication to justice,
to need with the sharing of self, to war with peace.

O God, hear my voice and grant unto the world your everlasting peace.

Amen

WITHOUT YOU

Hey you Pink Panther...done any golfing lately in the paradise that you are dwelling in? So today is the 2nd morning that BB Yon attends school. She came home yesterday full with excitement and memories flashes back to the time when she used to scream and called out to us to share her "happenings". Gone are those days and now its just me. I know friends are advising me not to communicate directly with you and to let you go but how can I do that? Every moment and seconds that I live is to carry on your legacy and that is for the 2 angels that you left behind.

So Dadi I pray and hope that this is really what you want for the girls and that we will make it through even though you are not here with us. Amen

BB Yon 1st day at Sapura Smart School

Dadi...today is her 1st day at school. She has been so nervous since we got to KL but like what you have always said and reminded them all those years...just be yourself. I believe there are mixed emotions for her. If only you are here to hear her rambling early this morning. She sounds like an old woman. All goes well today...the traffic and registration. I took a peep into her class and it seems that she was surrounded by lots of giants...her classmates were much bigger and taller than her. Dadi you will always be on our mind..more now than before..every matters than comes our way will direct our thoughts to you because we can feel your presence near us in all that we do...thank you Dadi...physically you are not with us but spiritually you are near...

WITHOUT YOU...

Dear Dadi,
Its 40 days since you left us...people says time will heal a broken heart but unfortunately not this heart mine. Why do you have to go dadi? This few days is the worst of my days without you but who would understand and who cares anyway...its my very own sorrow to carry. Sometimes I feel that its just yesterday that we started that journey with Mr C and you were so full of determination to fight it. You were so strong and positive Dadi...never thought that you would let go. I am so sorry that I could not do much for you...every day there were regrets for me...if only there was a second chance given to me I would have grab it now and exchanging it for you to come home to us...loving and missing you more...

Aunty Pauline learning how to blog so we use your beautiful photo....okkkk...

WITHOUT YOU...

Hey Pink Panther....U look so yummy here...this photo was taken in October, 2009...enjoying part of his days while in NCI...he wakes up around 8:30am daily then he exercised...then he shower...then its breakfast time and last medications time and then we are ready for his treatment...either radiotherapy or chemo. After treatment its car ride time plus ice cream...

WITHOUT YOU...

The one thing that both of us loves to do during our times in Nilai was to talk silly to each other...although you were always in pain you never failed to cheer me up and have numerous humorous moments..should be the other way round ...the caregiver should be the one comforting the patient...but not you daddy. Remember the time when we were in Prince Court...told you that you MUST BE STRONG to fight Mr C and that you must never let go...and not to leave me alone in this cruel world...your reply was...don't worry because you will find me an apek for my companion...daddy there will never be another YOU in my life...not even an apek and pls don't send me any apek..don't need any apek...or I will get Mr Kuki to munch him up for his meal...I pray that all the angels and the saints will have lots of homorous moments with you there...love you Pink Panther.

An extract from the book...The Holy Souls - "Viva Padre Pio"

A sharing from this book and it consoles me to a certain degree..."VIVA PADRE PIO"...our dearest beloved Simon Sudin never fails to pray to Saint Pio....page 75...reads on: It would be a great mistake to say: " I will give myself to God when I am old," and expect to change our hearts at the moment of death. Just as nobody becomes bad suddenly, so too nobody can become good in a moment. And remeber; death can be something very sudden. Is it worth the risk? Death is frightening, so it is said. But it is not so much death itself that frightens us but rather the act of dying. It is the terror of a moment, not of eternity, that frightens us. So many questions arise: What will that moment be like? How long will it last? Who will assist me? Will I be alone? Where will I be? In the house, on the roadd, while working, whilr praying or while sinning? When will it surprise me? The thought of being alone, face to face with death, the victim and the executioner, terrifies me. It has been said that to die is the most difficult trial of life, but it is not true. It is the only thing everybody knows how to do! The newborn and the centenarian alike, the genius and the idiot, the saint and the rogue. Just as we pass from infancy to childhood, from childhood to youth, from youth to maturity and so to old age, in the same way we pass from life to death.
Seen in the light of God, death become a sweet encounter. It becomes not a sunset but a beautiful dawn, the forerunner to eternal life with God. When the heart is filled with God, death no longer frightens, but it becomes a sweet caress-the caresses of God as He welcomes His creatures. And so it is seen by the saints as it should be,because when the hour of death arrives, it will mean that our exile is almost over; the goal is near. The only thing we can do is invoke our celestial mother: "Holy mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death."
When our eyes close forever and a crucifix is placed in our hands, just as a sword used to be put into the hands of a soldier, the crucifix will be the golden hammer with which we shall knock at the door of eternity. At our hammering, that door will open and an immense light will invade our eyes and a voice sweeter than any melody will say: "Well done, good and faithfull servant. Enter the joy of your Master." (Mt 25:21)

God Almighty blesses all...

WITHOUT YOU...

Coping with the sudden departure of a dearest loved one is a challenge...a huge one indeed. If we said that we are prepared for it...I really wonder how true can that be because by each passing day we go through a different episode of emotions...from sadness,grief,loneliness,emptiness...my head spins just thinking about it. Oh dear Good merciful Lord...sometimes I want to ******* for taking Pink Panther away from me. In the first place why do you have to give him to me....whyyyyyyy? I try to console myself now and then because I am just tired of feeling this way...macam mau explode saja....ayerrrr...take this feelings away pleaseeeee...I want to come home and expect to see you sitting in our living room...you watching your endless golf programs...and for me to call for the girls to make your coffee...I want to run around for you...to do your chores...I want to collect and do your "after golf laundry"...I want to cook and prepare your favourite food...I want to drive you around to all your favourite coffee shops for your kampua...I want to listen to your endless scoldings...correcting and reminding me of my faults and mistakes...I want to hear you to remind me to drive on the left handside of the road for driving so slow and telling me to walk instead...I want to hear you nagging me about forever messing up the newspaper after reading it...I missed calling you...hey uglyman...whatcha doin? The reply I get will be you calling me "stupid woman"...I feel like dying too you know...I don't like this feeling at all..life is so unfair...

WITHOUT YOU...

Since you been gone...a month passes us by...your 3 chuchamunggas still grieving for you...just the mention of your name bring tears to our eyes...daddy,uglyman,daddymonster,pink panther...thats what we called you. Ya daddy...we sure do miss you so much...sometimes we feel that you will come home...from where you are...that this is just a temporary separation. Now how assuring can that be right? At times I wished that it was ME who went away and not you...I have to carry on now...filling up the role as daddy & mummy to the girls. If only you know what I am going through now...but I guess you know and you are watching me...right? You better be watching because if I do fall and stumble and hurt myself...YOU are not there to pick me up....

WITHOUT YOU...

Hey u Uglyman...so miss calling you by that name daddy...
I just wanna share that i feel so hopeless today...went to a dear friend's house last nite daddy...Uncle John Kodok's wife passed away all so suddenly...just like yourself with the same sickness too...she's my age...43 and turning 44 in 10th March..remember how she jokes around and how much she kept herself so pretty and till her death she still maintained that beauty. With friends departing from us and from this world...left and right...its so unbearable...i bottled up my tears and emotions...but my heart bleeds because it reminds me of of your own sudden departure from us...daddy you should see how your girls comforted me when I do break down...sorry that I let myself go in front of them...its just impossible not to...everyday is a revelation for me...all the things that I have to discover now..its an eye opening...a sword that pierces through me..like u always said...never ever takes things for granted..and that's just so YOU daddy...does it have to be this painful to make us learn and change our ways...well let me tell you indeed its so painful...there are just so many unanswered "what ifs.." and its a complicated lesson. How I wished that the others may learnt from all these... but despite all that, I am so appreciative of the last 5 months that we spent together...a true quality time...and I believe it to be so because you never missed telling people on how you have rediscovered me after all those donkey years...come to think of it that was our long overdue second honeymoon which we were supposed to have and never did...mainly because of your work and commitments. I don't blame you because you have a very good loving heart...you just have to make sure that everything goes well...we 3 chuchamunngas missed you so much...Oh Lord grant Eternal rest upon the soul of our beloved Simon Sudin, Let your perpetual light shine upon him and may his soul and the souls of all the faithful departed thru the mercy of God rest in peace...Amen

WITHOUT YOU...

Dear Pink Panther
I am counting the days that I cannot come and visit your grave,to lit candles daily and to place flowers there,say prayers for you there beside your grave...I know for real its just your nearness that I am clinging to..that your body is snugly fit into that coffin... but my love.. your soul is all over the place looking,watching and following us ...just thinking of leaving our home and the memories behind makes me cry. I wonder If I can do it..living a life without you to reprimand and correct my every movement and actions plus my silly childish thoughts...God please listen to my cry of help and plight...please..please..pliz????

WITHOUT YOU...

My Dear Pink Panther
I thought and believe that I was strong and capable of handling all these outstanding legal documentations that needs to be settled but I am such a big failure case to myself. I hate it so much... going thru this phase.... My tears are still flowing for you and knowing that I have to face this crazy mad world without you. YOU..the main inspiration and pillar of motivation & strength for the girls and me. No one and nothing can replace that in our lives now...I know you would want us to move on but its so complicated to do so...I just I want to sleep it off and search for you in my dreams and get you back to us or at least talk to me in those dreams and advice me on all those urgent issues. I am so scared you know... what if my plans and decisions are wrong...please pray for all of our needs daddy from there...luv and misses you so much...

WITHOUT YOU...

Going through your things that were sent from the office...holding back my tears..I can feel you,can see you,your voice and all those familiar sounds and things you used to say...I cannot continue..hurts so much. You left me with no words of comfort or said your last goodbyes..I was the one who said Goodbye to you..now I am all alone looking at all these jigsaw puzzles of life you left me. Should I be complaining to you Lord? For taking him away so soon..at such critical moment? I have so much to do in so little time now...may the Lord grant me the graces to be strong like you...Amen

WITHOUT YOU...

Hey Pink Panther
This morning after morning mass we went to the cemetery... to fly Pheonne's balloon with her PMR result slip attached to it....as she has promised in her last letter to you. May you see it and grab the string to catch the result slip...am very sure you are proud of her.